I guess everyone passes gas or farts from time to time. But when I do it, it is so EMBARRASSING.
It’s not a new thing. Ten years ago, a middle aged businessman was telling me how ‘men have certain needs’ with a deep, intense look into my eyes. And I farted. There was a silence. Then I refused his invitation. We were standing at the exit door of a Thai restaurant after finisihing our meal and I hoped that odor would mingle with Thai cooking aromas and not be noticeable. Not that it mattered. I left and didn’t look back.
But lately the number of incidents, which is how I prefer to refer to my farts, have increased. And, the aroma has become more pungent. All in all, it has become a problem. And I don’t feel them coming on. If I did, I could excuse myself and hurry off to a distanct corner, but…..
Last week I asked the bridge director a question and he was giving me a thoughtful answer and I had an ‘incident’. There was no denying it. As the aroma drifted away, a nearby senior citizen turned her head toward me and sniffed. I remained impassive.
Usually I try to blame it on someone else. When an “incident” happens and I’m in a crowd, I turn to someone nearby and glare, while drawing in deep breath. Then I get the hell outta there!!!
Today I am going to concentrate on some new strategies to avoid Incidents. Eat less vegetables? Drink more water? What? Maybe I should buy some Beano at the drugstore. Maybe I shouldn’t be in the center of a group, but place myself on the periphery, to make a quick exit.
It is an ongoing problem. And I don’t have a solution. I’m destined to be the Fart Queen of Fort Lauderdale. Can some help me?